voyeurism

         When embarrassment happens, our brains naturally look for ways it could have been avoided. At church, when I said "Thank you for your talk" to the wrong black guy, my mind went a hundred miles an hour. It chewed me out "Damn it Emily, you couldn't have looked at other distinguishing features? while also trying to defend itself  "They're both really black and dressed similarly. You're not a racist bastard, it's an honest simple mistake". It wasn't simple. Issues with race never are. When they moved away I thought two things.

                 1. Crap, there goes our city's diversity.
          and 2. Emily, you are a big friggen tall blond white idiot.

        We don't need others chewing us out, because we are our own worst enemies. If only we could change the past. "If only I had done something differently" is what everyone says. It's always the simple things we wish we'd adjusted. "If only I hadn't driven that way. If only I didn't lose my keys. If only I hadn't stopped for a coke". These are all the "if onlys" somebody thought one night when they drove by our house and looked up to see my bare husbands "you know what" modeling in front of our window.

          He says I'm the crazy one. He says "Not everyone is out there waiting to snap a picture of you naked". He opens the window and jokes about the paparazzi driving by. He laughs when I drop and roll every time the blinds are tilted. "Nobody is looking, stop worrying"! This is what he mumbles as he steps from the shower, approaches the window, and releases steam with our secrets. I'm writing this story to apologize to all the fine church going people who watch my husband at the pulpit and see one vivid image in their minds- and it's not his cute dimples.

            We live in an era of voyeurism. Not the Peeping Tom Perverts who hang at my residence, I'm talking about the Facebook/Blog stalkers. You know who you are and thank you for being my reader. I'm probably looking back at you. I love secrets, I love feeling a part of something big. I love to gawk at anything out of the ordinary. So do you. I know, because I'm driving behind you when you slow to 5mph and watch what used to be an accident, but now it's just a couple people roadside chatting.

            I don't want to see a gross butt hanging out a car window, but even more, I don't want to be the group member saying "What.....what happened". It's a fear I live with.... missing out. My lists of anxieties are becoming alarmingly long. Needless to say "Peeping Tom" is on there. That includes the sick Peeping Tomcat who overdoes it and climbs in outhouse toilets. I  feel too sorry to fear him. You can watch, just please don't grab. After looking through hunting binoculars, I'm even more nervous. Those superman eyes can see the tiniest freckle from miles away. Hunting goggles + hunting neighbors + a worry-free exhibitionist husband= perfect nightmare.

            I'm a giving person...and I'm feeling generous. It's an odd gift to hand out, but how appropriate via Internet. No one sees this, so count yourself privileged.  My gift to you is a scene that makes me love being married. It's my favorite time of night with my husband. The moment the lights go out but we haven't fallen asleep yet...............and no, it's not that.
to my dearly beloved veiled voyeurs..........enjoy
Scene starts with three distinct claps
Dean- We always talk about "The Clapper", but really, it would be a good investment. We shouldn't wait until we're old.......... Sighs with disappointment.......I'll get the lights.
Me- Make sure to turn on the fan, and tilt it up, I can't sleep with it blowing in my eyes and mouth.
Dean- Can't you just sleep with your eyes and mouth shut? 
Me- No, I really like my eyes and mouth open all night long.
Dean- What if we skipped turning on a fan, it's wintertime.
Me- That's crazy talk
Dean- You would know.
Me- begins chuckling.
Dean- Did you tell yourself a joke?
Me-I don't need jokes when you're wearing a retainer.... it will always be funny. When I see or hear it, I will laugh every time. Thank you Doctor Perry.
Dean- You think it's sexy.
Me- You're not aloud to say sex when that's in your mouth.
Dean- Grabs my neck like he's strangling me
Me-  Just remember, it's you who falls asleep first.
Dean- You couldn't choke me with those bird hands if you tried.
Me- Squeezes Dean's neck with my "bird hands" as hard as I possibly can, while he flexes his Incredible Hulk neck. 
Dean- resisting laughter at my pathetic murder attempt......You're crossing the "line" to my side of the bed... a disagreement over line issues begins. It goes on a while but ends calmly with good nights and I love yous. Sleep process starts............................................................
Me- Dean.................................................................................Dean........................................
Dean- .....................................groan, What?
Me- If we found a house for an incredibly low price and we absolutely loved it , but, also found out a husband had brutally murdered his entire family there, would you still buy it?
Dean-Yes
Me- I wouldn't. I would think about it all the time.................................begins thinking and worrying.
Dean- Falls asleep peacefully in one minute.
Me- Insomnia and restless legs begin.