I'll tell you what is not funny....boring conversations. It is sooo not funny, that I avoid large group get togethers at all costs. Boring converstations suck my soul and dry up my bone marrow. I despise small talk, but don't have much choice with societal norms breathing down my neck. If I had it my way, my conversation choices would bypass "what's new?" and "how are your kids/job?," drive right over potty training success, and stop with lights on to horror stories and fears(but only if they're irrational. I don't want to hear about your money problems.) I've learned the hard(but fun) way that this method of communication equals uncomfortable people/abandoned friendships.
I thought I'd share my top five irrational fears. They may be silly to you, but all of them are worthy of a code red catastrophe. I'll start with the least frightening to the wakemeupinthenightwithworry severity. Also, I'll give proof that this stuff really does happen, and I'm not completely crazy...just...allowed on the streets, but watch your back kind of crazy.
Number 5..... I'm afraid poop is going to fly in my mouth......I don't know who is flinging feces, I just don't want it flung into my mouth. This fear might not even be irrational, poo has been airborne in my house before. With three kids I have seen crap in forms unimaginable. It's shot up the back of clothes, it's been mistaken for raisins and picked up with my bare hands , it's been smeared on multiple occasions. I've seen it like this
and like this
almost daily like this
I didn't take these pictures. I googled poop(don't do that!). They bring back bad memories and repressed anxiety. It's not just crap I'm worried about. It's anything gross; whether it's popped,squished,released or kicked- I'm terrified it's heading towards my mouth.
Number 4......I'm afraid of getting shot while I'm driving. I just know the person next to me is holding a gun out the window and I'm too frozen stiff to look over. It's absolutely deranged because #1 I've never seen a person who even resembles a gangster in my neighborhood. #2 It's not my driving-my driving rocks(my husband agrees, and he thinks everyone is an idiot driver.)#3 What souless person shoots an innocent mother with children, really? Maybe if I drove a minivan. I've wanted to shoot a couple of those. However, I have these bizarre delusions of being shot. That's why I turn at you and flinch. It's what I'll be worrying about while I run the red light and flatten my family. You may be next to me flirting and making eyes, but all I see in my peripheral vision is this
Number 3....I'm afraid a bear will eat me. Not lions, tigers, wolves, sharks...just bears. It's a queer fascination to say the least. I'm obsessed with them, but have recurring nightmares of them. While camping in Durango, CO I spent my whole shower with worry, fretting a bear was going to wander into the bathroom and corner my vulnerable naked cheeks. To be attacked would be horrific-but attacked while nude? I'm soul-searching to clarify if I'm more afraid of getting my boob bit off, or running in the buff around the campground with a hungry bear in pursuit. But I am Emily and I face my fears head on, so Dean and I went bear hunting at 3am that night. I watch every documentary on bears-I know all their rituals; I sleep with stuffed bears, I want a baby bear for a pet. That being said, I will not sleep a wink in a tent. Every twig cracking is a bear planning to pull me from my sleeping bag and turn me into a bear burrito. My hunting friend scouted one out for me the other night. The excitement of seeing a wild bear(from a distance) was like relosing my virginity. To my bear friends.. "I know we'll meet one day...I love you but want to kill you."
Cuddle em Kill em
Number 2......I'm afraid I'll look over while showering, and there will be a strange man standing there. Let me clarify right away, I'm not afraid to be seen naked; I fancy being naked. I hate sleeping naked, but that's a story for another time. I like the way I look with clothes off, but don't surprise me in my bareness or I'll flail about like a neurotic schizoid. Not only do I sleep with one eye open and mouth drooling(I can't help it), I also shower with an eye ajar. If I shut that eye to rinse out the shampoo it will open to a peeping pervert, so I keep it safely cracked. I'm scared of what that psycho will do....will he stab me? Why don't I think about it at times other than the shower? Have I watched too many horror flicks? I worried about it with my bear situation as well. Maybe my real fear is being chopped while naked. This is real stuff people...it happens as sure as the sun rises, take a look. http://www.nbcactionnews.com/dpp
Number 1.....I'm afraid of getting my eye poked out. It's the most diabolic, hellish, horrific thing imaginable- an eyeball hanging from a face. I heard it hangs from tendons or strings and what the hell? Are we made like marionette's? Then what? We live with a gaping black hole on our face? I'll tell you this much....if this nightmare ever happens, I will get the fanciest most wicked-awesome skull and cross bones diamond studded eye patch to make lemonade from lemons. A fake eyeball is as disturbing as a hanging bloody eyeball yo yo. I'll be a frightening grandma snoozing with my fake teeth out and eye patch on. The grandkids will dare each other to look under the patch. They'll lift it up and find........booty......arrrrgg
O.my.gosh. Emily that was so funny. I was laughing so hard I cried... you made my night! This blog is brilliant- there is nothing better that laughing! Keep the posts coming!
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