My tree invasion
The month of July is when I first start seeing flies. They're pesky, but overlooked. By the beginning of August they swarm on my front porch like a dust orgy. They wait for the door to open so they can fulfill their life purpose- to get in my house. I'm a bit peeved at their invasion, but I've got every child with a fly swatter in hand. I haven't been driven to madness.....yet. I've heard the scariest thing in the world is losing your mind, but once it's lost there is nothing left to fear. By the end of August I'm losing it. Flies are on every surface and I'm seeing shadows of flies. They are taunting me with every encounter, triggering a murderous rampage. My eyes are glinting in the night, rolled magazine in hand, searching for the source of the bzzzzzzzzz. The fly and it's whole Mormon, Hispanic, extended family is now in my house by September- hitting pinatas for Family Home Evening. At this point I've thrown in the white flag with tolerant disdain while they continue beating paper mache for "candy".
I understand flies. They are annoying as hell, but opportunists. I do NOT understand wasps. They will land on a delicate baby's hand and sting her for no reason. She wasn't touching any food, invading any hive, killing any of their young. She's sitting there being angelically sweet getting stung in innocence. That is why wasps come straight from the underworld inferno.
To get to the source of these pesky demons, we need to look at their creator. First there is the queen wasp which breeds Satan's spawn. We'll call her Hillary Clinton or Oprah. It just makes sense. Satan wants power, America is the most powerful, Satan puts his mistresses in power to control and oppress. Hillary and Oprah command America, while he works the globe with multiple other "puppets" in all shapes and forms to achieve his ultimate mission- world domination.
Satan is Dr. Evil. The Father of Lies. He would never show his face like this.
Who would trust that? He and his mistresses take on forms like Mariah Carey. She sings about butterflies and makes egocentric videos, but I know what's up Mariah. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but George Bush and I are on to something big. The Axis of Evil, the brainwashing liberal media, and that shady Islamic religion.
There are many things I don't understand about Satan. Doesn't he grow tired of being so evil? Retaining anger is exhausting. Doesn't he grow weary in the fight against righteousness? When my kids approach the "terrible twos", they kick and scream while I easily restrain them. That is what evil is to goodness, a nagging tantrum that will never win. There will be collateral damage, a spilt sippy cup of red punch, but goodness will prevail. I've read enough scripture and fantasy novels to be certain of this. When my child doesn't get his way, he cries for a bit and recovers to decency. When Satan didn't get his way, he took a third of the hosts of Heaven and vowed to reign on earth with pain and terror evermore. He's the number one she-devil of evil drama queens- there I said it, and my head hasn't spun a three-sixty.
I understand ferocious demonic anger, but not in a constant form. The Lord of Darkness is pissed to say the least. His plan of extreme communist control and selfish glory was tossed aside, and he will never receive a body of his own. He's currently on a body snatching expedition (FYI). I would be on the lookout if I were you. Maybe playing a ouija board, or drawing an upside down five-point star on the floor is not a good idea. If you choose to wear a cross, do not...I repeat, do not wear it upside down .I've watched an exorcist done on t.v and it is not pleasant. It is, however, strangely fascinating in a demented way. I've found myself a highly useful acronym SFDW.
There are people who've decided to worship the Adversary instead of the All Knowing. The only way I feel fit to write about them is in dialogue. I call it-
The Satanist and the Psychologist because they should go hand in hand.
Psychologist- Again, I'm trying to understand. You are not interested in a higher power that fulfills happiness, eternal life, joy, love, empathy, generosity, kindness and charity?
Satanist- Nope
Psychologist- You worship darkness and seek for damnation, despair, destruction, distortion, disorder and derangement?
Satanist - Yes, the six d's.
Psychologist- That's right, because six is a symbolic number representing incompleteness. (Long sigh) Can you describe your relationship with your parents?
Satanist- (speaks with disgust) I'd rather not.
Psychologist- ( perks up) I think we're on to something.
Parenting is very important. Certain mistakes can mean the difference between raising a Miley Cyrus or a Marilyn Manson. Don't get discouraged though; there's a good chance Marilyn Manson wipes off the make-up, takes out the freaky eyes, steps down from the platform shoes, unhooks the gothic corset, and karaokes to Air Supply. Just as evil is exhausting, so is being freaky.
I'm not sure if I'm testing fate by mocking evil. The last thing I want to do is challenge the master of everything unholy. Satan is real, like it or not. He's miserable and desires company. It's a bit ironic that someone so evil can feel moments of happiness, but he does. He's ecstatic when we fail to recognize our godly worth. There are certain things that try our patience and annoy us(flies), but we learn to live with them and make the most of a bad situation. Other things (wasps) are worth the battle. It's you or I, but one of us is going down, and it's going to be you mofo! The trick is recognizing the two and distinguishing that "yellow jacket" howls "demon". It gets a bit gory at that point. It starts with spraying poison. Next comes chopping, flame throwing, and smashing. A perfect recipe of disaster and Hell deliverance. My methods are a bit eccentric, but so is Dr Evil, Drama Queen of horror.
