happiness invader ( a letter to myself)

        Our frigid house woke me up early this morning. An alarm clock is more inviting and predictably loyal. My body is confused this time of year when the days are warm but the nights are cold. It's also very aggravated. No longer can it wear the bare minimum to sleep in. Every season is like a beautifully wrapped gift I'm excited to tear open. Winter, however, gets placed in the corner of the room like an overeager, neglected puppy. I prolong opening Pandora's box until Christmas, a time of giddy anticipation . I even feel sorry for tropical island residents who miss out on these seasonal gems. Winter time unwraps  like a ginormous rainbow sucker to a child. It tastes sooo good at first, but quickly turns blase'.


      While I'm decorating myself with scarves and a smile, I fail to notice this creature walk into my life.

Sandra Ronja illustration

                "Hello there, I'm depression. It's delightful to see you again."   

      

        He holds hands with the cold weather and shows his face in different forms. Right now he's packing for a visit. The image below shows his current position and residence. I'm pretty sure he's Russian. Their country makes everybody nervous. I wish he'd stay the hell in Russia.

 K-hos illustration

           Experience tells me he'll be knocking on my door by January and sleeping in my bed by February. That's what he does. He sleeps. He slothfully moves about; that is, if he can break away from paralyzing stares. He wears a robe, his day and night uniform. He'll shed his robe when the sky sheds warmth and light. A robe is one of those ambiguous items that exist on both ends of the sexy meter. He wears it at a -1 when 0 says disgusting.

     Don't feel sorry for me, I've had enough training to kick him where it counts. Lots of people experience his treachery and horror- in far worse forms than I.  I see him as more of a nuisance. A constant influenza with red nostrils and ugly skin. I can hide the melancholy, but my drab skin and hair..... is worth a fight .

     Here's the thing. I want to be a vigilante. When I saw Kate Beckinsale in the movie "Underworld", I was mesmerized. If there was only a way to become her character. She is absolutely stunning and powerful.

        In addition, she's a vampire and fictional. It doesn't change the fact that I want to wear leather capes, carry weapons, stalk the night, and hunt evil forces. The problem is, I don't want to kill people. It's very gory and unglamorous(l hear).  I want to kill werewolves. Bring it on evil flesh eaters! I want flashy adroit maneuvers and stealthiness; mother by day,stalker by night. Basically I want to become a fantasy novel. I want a wicked-awesome cause to fight for, but the cool stuff doesn't naturally exist. I'm left with a boring battle of blah... depression and anxiety. Lame.

      Tips for winter endurance and stupid happy living

                          p.s I might have to hurt feelings to get my point across

Tip 1 Control the anxiety. Depression rarely appears without anxiety first. They come in a pair. It's not only worrisome thoughts, it's that hyperactive mode your body experiences while you lay awake at night thinking "why does it feel like I just drank 3 redbulls?" Recognize this feeling and take action, or prepare to sink with despair when the jitters expire. It's easier said than done, managing stress- just do it!

Tip 2 Will power over mood power. Your mood says "I can't, I don't want to," but your will power says "I pity the fool"(or is that Mr. T?). Use that insolent will power.  Get up, get showered, and for hell sakes don't put sweat pants back on. A little make-up wouldn't hurt either. No one is vain and superficial for wearing make-up, it's the face of effort. No matter what your mama tells you, physical appearance does matter. You've got inner beauty, that's great, now grab hold of it and wrap it around your face.

         Next to do, run. Pump that heart like it's your body's v8 engine, even though you hate it. Make yourself. Getting your heart rate up takes creativity when your body has handicaps. Be creative.  Exercise your mind as well.  Just because school ended, doesn't mean your brain should retard. Read a challenging book, do a math problem(what's that?). You hate it, I know, so do I. Sometimes you have to force happiness like forcing down veggies. Find a healthy routine that works.

       Last of all, Call a friend. You don't feel like playing? Make yourself. Don't wait for friends to come to you, they might not. You create your own joy, humor, and smells- so brush before visiting. Poop smells should never come out the mouth.

Tip 3 Nothing is working? Get your butt on medication     Utah is known for Prozac and plastic surgery. Don't ask my why and don't mention it.  It's best swept under the rug like polygamy. Nothing botches the brain like neglect. Medication is the perfect jump start, and sometimes the only solution. It's very liberating, herding your emotions like cattle, taking the power back. Unfortunately, it can be very frustrating finding the right pill and dosage. Humans are not meant to act like robots. Our hearts should be warm while our brains are logical.

         Tears are precious in healthy amounts. Tears are sooo ridiculously farcical when they constantly overflow and your new name becomes "Unstable at Best". At this point there are two options, because we can't handle you. One is swallowing a happy pill, the other is calling an exorcist. One way or another that beast needs to be cast out and sent back to Russia. I just hope he doesn't take your sex drive with him. "The good news, Doctor, is my brain is fixed. Now my vagina is broken."


Happiness enemies                              Happiness Friends

Television                                     Yellow sunglasses. My world looks good, what's wrong with yours?

Twinkies                                       Music. Blast it everywhere, except Chris Isaac "Wicked Games."

Turtle necks, ewww                      Space heaters. Again....blast it.

Flesh colored panty hose,  double ewww

Did I mention sweat pants? triple ewww

The last three enemies might not depress you, but they will depress me, so don't. Just don't.

I hate advice. I hate that I'm giving advice, like I know anything. I hate that I'm in for a fight against depression and not werewolves.

.