(It all starts with rock climbing. While free solo climbing the Yosemite half dome…my angel
appears and scares me half to death, literally)Me Could you pick a more inconvenient time to materialize?
Angel This could very well be the most ludicrous thing you’ve ever done, rock climbing at three thousand feet without a rope.
Me (wrestles rock with deep, breathless concentration) The decision’s already been made. Your opinion might have been useful when my feet were grounded (lifts straining muscles two feet higher). What is it with heaven and bad timing, seriously?
Angel (floating parallel) What is it with humans and bad decisions? We lead and guide you for what, senseless, erratic behavior? We even give you the Word of Wisdom. It’s a shame we’re going to have to add common sense next to drug and alcohol abstinence
Me (grooaan) Can we further discuss this on the thank God ledge?
Angel That’s a bit irreverent don’t you think?
Me No, it’s the name of the ledge; but it’s more than a simple title. There’s never been a better time and place to thank God. He put this majestic rock here for our benefit. He then created us with arms and legs, and opposable thumbs. There’s absolutely no way he didn’t expect us to partake of this delicious beauty.
Angel But you’re playing Russian roulette with your life. I’m so tired of humans taking good things and turning them bad. Two kids start playing with a toy, then one kid gets selfish, and both end up crying and damaged. The parent is then forced to remove the toy and command that no one touches it. I’ve seen it a million times. Your kind will always be children.
Angel It comes down to this… we can tell you, we can beg you…use ropes! The question is whether or not you follow direction. C’mon, is it really that bad to use a rope? Something to catch you if you fall, a little life insurance? It might even delay you from the two unstoppable grim reapers: heart attack and cancer. On top of that, we deliver absolute assurance: Follow the word of wisdom and you become (surprise) wise! You will run and not be weary, walk and not faint…I promise. It’s completely celesto.
Me Celesto?
Angel It’s just a word we use in heaven. Kind of like cool, but not so prosaic.
Me (cracks open a Redbull upon ledge’s arrival) O.k you’re right, I’m in, how do I do better?
Angel (eyes my hand) You know…caffeine is one of the most addictive drugs don’t you?
Me (pause),(double pause)Tell me you’re joking! But it gives me wings! It comes back to the opposable thumb thing again; they climb mountains and hold enticing beverages (raise thumbs). Here’s for energy in a bottle! It might be the determining thing that gets me up this mountain. Energy like this can only come from something divine.
Angel I want you to think about that word, enticing. Now think of the word smitten. Nothing good will entice, then smite.
Me (not listening) Furthermore angel- whose name we need to discuss, Is perfection possible? Who always goes to sleep and arises early? Who always eats meat sparingly when there’s a Rodizio grill nearby? And moderation on the Mcdonalds dollar menu? It’s a dollar!! The whole family is fed for like $6.49!
Angel The spiritually strong , that’s who. Anyone who says “I control my body and not vice versa.” That guy below you in the red hat ( points downward), his Word of Wisdom chart has perfect marks. You saw him drive in the park; you know, the guy with the white minivan that has those stick figurines in the back window that show off his rich posterity. (Beaming) He’s so delightful, Gary and his six children. His wife Debbie stays home and cooks those lovely casseroles from those homegrown chicken eggs. And their little boy Charlie, (chuckle, chuckle) that little rascal tried to bring the hose in the house yesterday…
Angel (recovers) What I’m trying to say is… you may not believe me that there’s a rattle snake nesting ten feet above you, but believe me when I tell you this… You will be blessed beyond imagine, and have no regrets with following the Word of Wisdom.
Me I do believe you, you’re an angel, how can I not?(sigh) First thing’s first, no more of this bodily contamination. (chucks can over the ledge)
The Redbull spirals downward, landing right on top of Gary’s head. It splits open his red hat and skull with one fatal blow.
I ignorantly keep climbing.
Seven minutes later I avoid the rattle snake, thanks to my lucky guardian angel, but quickly I’m attacked with extreme fatigue. Near the top of the dome, my foreign drowsiness misguides my calculated judgment and I botch the final hold.
Down
Down
Down
follows my grinning angel.
