Am I obsessed with dark freaky things?(yes). Don't get me wrong. My mentor is Christ. Christ and Kurt Vonnegut. I just like weird, unusual stories. My kids inherited the gene and regularly start our conversations with "Do you want to know what's weird?" ummmm Yeesss! Then we discuss something like vampire squids which leads to "when are we going fishing again?"
Yesterday I took them fishing and met a cop, a stranger with a pet iguana on a leash(awesome). He was fishing at our pond and offered to give me some suggestions....."Come over here with me and I'll show you where to catch some big ones!" It's like offering my kids candy or telling me to come see a puppy in a white windowless van(happened minus the puppy). My kids know they shouldn't accept the fun dip from a stranger, but temptations and candy addictions don't go together. Warning: if you fail to keep a stock pile of candy at your house and your kid succumbs to tums for their fix, they may get kidnapped. Anyway, after a bit of hesitation he showed me that he was a cop(there's no such thing as fake badges) and my immediate response was "tell me the freakiest thing you've ever seen." After learning that the human rectum can fit vasts amount of objects, he helped me catch a rainbow trout.
GUNS.......it's a four letter word that excites and frights. If you don't own a gun in my husbands family you're going to get a look of concern.... or.... get "raped/killed/robbed/ your food storage/loot/booty stolen". If you conceal a weapon, even better. Did you know you can successfully conceal 9 guns on your body at once? Uncle Mike is small, but proved his point. Did you know your body had so many hiding places? I didn't(the cop did). So Uncle Mike took it upon himself to give each man in the family a gun.....let me correct that, an AR 15. And so starts the family militia. I'm told if the government bans these weapons then only the "bad guys have them," and us, if you include bad ass.
My relationship with the gun is a bit complicated. We(Dean, the gun, and I) all know he's big, black, and sexy(the gun,not Dean,at least not the black part). But he makes me nervous. He is so amazingly high tech and magnificent that I'm worried he's going to try a thing or two. He'll tempt my children....he has already seduced my husband. Dean and him whisper sweet nothings to each other. Dean tells him he'll be gentle and caress him and a comfortable pace and he tells Dean that he'll try not to kick too hard and I tell Dean that he's replaced me with an assault rifle and he just sits there looking at me all cheeky and sleek. He needs a name....like.....Thunder or Arrogant Raider- AR for short.
Now we're playing the waiting game. Dean plays "Call of Duty- Black Ops" on a nightly basis and has adroit battle skills. I really hope the end of the world brings zombies. We know it's going to end with God, but a little zombie slaying first couldn't hurt- unless we get bitten. Their foaming mouths will never get close to us because Arrogant Raider is there willing,waiting, and wanting to blow their faces off.
The guys in the family want to make a family christmas card. It will look something like this, but they'll be holding assault rifles instead of your average shotguns Also, there wont be a guy on the far right who looks like it's his first time touching a gun(just jokes Wade). p.s Dean is second in from the left looking tantalizing in his black suit. This is his sales team.
